After my awesome overnight experience at the college I will be attending in the fall I have been even more desperate than ever for friends.
I keep in touch with everyone and I have to say I feel very jealous and anxious when I talk with them and they tell me about what they did as a group or when they send me pictures. I feel like I should be there – NOW . I know that I will be there soon enough having fun with everyone but I still feel like I am missing out.
Here at home I would try to arrange “fun nights” with my classmates. While I was still in high school I had several “get togethers” that were a lot of fun. The only problem was that I was always the one who had to plan these nights. If it wasn’t at my house, then, well, it just wasn’t.
I always imagine how great things will be and I should know better by now. It is very rare to have things happen like you see them in your head. My mom and sisters are constantly reminding me of this. I actually just got the “you can’t control what other people do”, speech the other day – again.
I was feeling very “up” the other day, and decided to get a bunch of people together. Well, actually, I told my guy friend that I wanted to treat him for lunch for his birthday. When he told me dinner would work out better for him I got crazy and decided to plan, what I imagined, a reunion of old classmates. Apparently, my visions were not as important for everyone else.
One by one they either crapped out, didn’t return my calls or texts and just really pissed me off. I was caught up in the moment at the time, but after all was said and done I realized that I was trying to create the fun I had in Albany with the friends I have down here at home.
I mean, I couldn’t go to dinner or social events with them in Albany because I live 2 ½ hours away, these people live 5 to 10 minutes from me and each other and couldn’t get it together! I wound up going out to dinner with the birthday boy – just him and me and then the movies. We had a great time and I didn’t let anyone’s uncooperation ruin our night.
My genetic disorder really messes with my head sometimes and this was one of them. I hate when I get stuck in my own head. Replaying, my feelings getting hurt, getting angry, the whole list of emotions over and over again. I have to say I do feel that this “episode” didn’t last as long as they used to. Maybe I am becoming more mature or maybe I am getting better at dealing with my emotions. I will tell you this – I am done trying to be the “fun organizer”. If someone calls and invites me to do something, I will go, if I feel like it. I cannot get caught up in my own fantasies about how things should be.
When I get to Albany I hope, my ideas of how things will be once I get there are not too different from the reality….We’ll see.